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amajike 5th June 2009 10:09 AM

Comic relief...
 
Jokes to laugh away your sadness probably after a loss. More jokes are wellcome. Here's mine

A school teacher asked 3 of her pupils to tell a short story each and at the end of it state the lesson to be learned.

The first said they once had a hen that laid 10 eggs. This made his father very happy and he(father) usually said I now have ten chickens. Weeks later, only 2 hatched. when asked the lesson the pupil said "Dont count ur eggs before they hatch.

The second said their own chicken laid 12 eggs which were put in a basket, but on his way to the egg store he fell and all the eggs broke. The lesson, Dont put all ur eggs in 1 basket.

The 3rd said his uncle Harry was one of the jet figthers during the iraq war and that one day he was shot down by iraqis. 12 iraq slodiers rushed to the downed plane, but uncle harry beat them all up.
The whole class became quite as they were not quite sure what the lesson was.
Finally the pupil said the lesson is "Dont mess with uncle Harry"

amajike 5th June 2009 10:19 AM

Another...
 
One lady sitting beside a guy in a bus was reading up the statistics on the number of deaths around the world at any given moment.
Alarmed by the per second figures, she turned to the guy next to her and said "do you know that each time I breath people die"
The guy said "really have you tried using mouthwash and brushing two times daily"

c kenneths 14th June 2009 12:14 AM

Re: Comic relief...
 
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'That's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, And there's the teacher; , she's dead.

c kenneths 14th June 2009 12:17 AM

Re: Comic relief...
 
A man walks into a New York City bank and says he wants to borrow $2,000 for three weeks. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has. The man says "I've got a Rolls Royce -- keep it until the loan is paid off -- here are the keys." The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gives the man $2,000.

Three weeks later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $2,000 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce. The loan officer asks him, "Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two thousand dollars?"

The man answers, "I had to go to Nigeria for three weeks, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?"

c kenneths 14th June 2009 12:20 AM

Re: Comic relief...
 
Employer to Applicant:

Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

c kenneths 14th June 2009 12:28 AM

Re: Comic relief...
 
Two shoe salespeople were sent to Africa to open up new markets.

Three days after arriving, one salesperson called the office and said, "I'm returning on the next flight. Can't sell shoes here. Everybody goes barefoot."

At the same time the other salesperson sent an email to the factory, telling "The prospects are unlimited. Nobody wears shoes here!"

knightofdelta 14th June 2009 09:55 AM

Re: Comic relief...
 
On one rainy day Mr Johnson and his houseboy had this conversation.

Mr Johnson: Charlie! Charlie! Go and water the flowers outside!

Charlie: Oga, it is raining oh!

Mr Johnson: So what? Take an umbrella and go!

pumping 14th June 2009 01:45 PM

Re: Comic relief...
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by c kenneths (Post 48714)
Employer to Applicant:

Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

LOL....This is good....

hispy99 14th June 2009 01:59 PM

Re: Comic relief...
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by knightofdelta (Post 48720)
On one rainy day Mr Johnson and his houseboy had this conversation.

Mr Johnson: Charlie! Charlie! Go and water the flowers outside!

Charlie: Oga, it is raining oh!

Mr Johnson: So what? Take an umbrella and go!

Is Charlie supposed to use the umbrella to cover the flowers first, then water them? :D

tdmadeeasy 21st June 2009 11:31 PM

Re: Comic relief...
 
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'

***********************


A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

hispy99 22nd June 2009 12:12 AM

Re: Comic relief...
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by tdmadeeasy (Post 49338)
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'

***********************


A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

very good one

Monwowo 26th June 2009 04:20 AM

Re: Comic relief...
 
This happened in a Classroom in Warri.


Teacher: You Boy, spell plantain


Boy: Whish one? The ripe one abi the unripe one?


Teacher: Shuo !! What difference does it make? Just spell plantain! Abi you wan try me?


Boy: Shuo Teasha, no be fightooo! If you fry the ripe one na 'DODO', if you

fry the unripe one na 'SHIPS', if you roast am, na 'BOLI' and if you soak am come dry am na 'KPEKERE' all of dem na plantain,
so whish one you wan make I spell na?!

Tok quick I wan waka.

pegheneji 26th June 2009 10:41 AM

Re: Comic relief...
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Monwowo (Post 49797)
This happened in a Classroom in Warri.


Teacher: You Boy, spell plantain


Boy: Whish one? The ripe one abi the unripe one?


Teacher: Shuo !! What difference does it make? Just spell plantain! Abi you wan try me?


Boy: Shuo Teasha, no be fightooo! If you fry the ripe one na 'DODO', if you

fry the unripe one na 'SHIPS', if you roast am, na 'BOLI' and if you soak am come dry am na 'KPEKERE' all of dem na plantain,
so whish one you wan make I spell na?!

Tok quick I wan waka.

Bros! i swear this your yan wan kill me with laugh. i go read am again after i don see the day result to mitigate the effect of the bear.

pegheneji 26th June 2009 10:46 AM

Re: Comic relief...
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Monwowo (Post 49797)
This happened in a Classroom in Warri.


Teacher: You Boy, spell plantain


Boy: Whish one? The ripe one abi the unripe one?


Teacher: Shuo !! What difference does it make? Just spell plantain! Abi you wan try me?


Boy: Shuo Teasha, no be fightooo! If you fry the ripe one na 'DODO', if you

fry the unripe one na 'SHIPS', if you roast am, na 'BOLI' and if you soak am come dry am na 'KPEKERE' all of dem na plantain,
so whish one you wan make I spell na?!

Tok quick I wan waka.

kpekere and ships na the same. for my village na kpekere we they callam. when i go lagos or Abuja we go callam ships or chips.

c kenneths 27th June 2009 07:31 AM

Re: Comic relief...
 
Could you believe how sinful people are? I was sitting next to a girl in church when she lit a cigarette, chei! I was so shocked that I almost dropped my half finished bottle of beer!

knightofdelta 27th June 2009 12:38 PM

Re: Comic relief...
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by c kenneths (Post 49925)
Could you believe how sinful people are? I was sitting next to a girl in church when she lit a cigarette, chei! I was so shocked that I almost dropped my half finished bottle of beer!

And I am sure the girl would have seen you dropped the bear and told her friends:

"Can you imagine how sinful people are? The pastor was talking about fire and brimstone and how hell would look like and i decided to take a puff of my cigarette so that I could follow along and then one man dropped a bottle of beer on the floor! If not for my sharp reflexes, I would have dropped the cigar on the alcohol and burn down the church!

I mean how could you drink alcohol in the house of God???"

Gengen 27th June 2009 01:14 PM

Re: Comic relief...
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by c kenneths (Post 49925)
Could you believe how sinful people are? I was sitting next to a girl in church when she lit a cigarette, chei! I was so shocked that I almost dropped my half finished bottle of beer!

Did you know what the Pastor was preaching while these young people doing this? He was talking about immorality amongst young people. Let me quote the Pastor:

"I do not mind young people sleeping together. The problem is this; will they sleep?"

threecrown 27th June 2009 09:41 PM

All in the name of Job hunt abroad !!!!‏
 
Have you heard about the man who was looking for a job overseas? He noticed there was an opening at the local zoo. Upon inquiry, he discovered the zoo had a very unusual position that they wanted to fill. Apparently their gorilla had died, and until they could get a new one, they needed someone to dress up in a gorilla suit and act like a gorilla for a few days. He was to just sit, eat, and sleep. Of course, his identity would be kept a secret, and no one would be the wiser, thanks to a very fine gorilla suit. The zoo offered good pay for this job, so the man decided to do it. He tried on the suit and sure enough, he looked just like a gorilla. They led him to the cage; he took a position at the back of the cage and pretended to sleep. But after a while, he got tired of sitting so he walked around a little bit, jumped up and down and tried a few gorilla noises. The people watching him seemed to really like that. When he would move or jump around, they would clap and cheer and throw him peanuts. And the man loved peanuts. So he jumped around some more and tried climbing a tree. That seemed to really get the crowd excited. They threw more peanuts. Playing to the crowd, he grabbed a vine and swung from one side of the cage to the other. The people loved it and threw more peanuts. "Wow! This is great," he thought. He swung higher and the crowd grew bigger. He continued to swing on the vine, getting higher and higher and then all Last, all of a sudden, the vine broke! He swung up and out of the cage, landing in the lion's cage that was next door. He panicked. There was a huge lion not twenty feet away, and it looked very hungry. So the man in the gorilla suit started jumping up and down, screaming and yelling, "Help, help! Get me out of here! I'm not really a gorilla! I'm a man in a gorilla suit! HELP!" The lion quickly pounced on the man, held him down and said,

"NNAMDI NO FEAR NA ME CHIJIOKE be quiet! You're going to make both of us lose our jobs" Be cheerful and letís face this job squarely!!!!!!!!!!!!

c kenneths 27th June 2009 10:50 PM

Re: All in the name of Job hunt abroad !!!!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by threecrown (Post 49984)
Have you heard about the man who was looking for a job overseas? He noticed there was an opening at the local zoo. Upon inquiry, he discovered the zoo had a very unusual position that they wanted to fill. Apparently their gorilla had died, and until they could get a new one, they needed someone to dress up in a gorilla suit and act like a gorilla for a few days. He was to just sit, eat, and sleep. Of course, his identity would be kept a secret, and no one would be the wiser, thanks to a very fine gorilla suit. The zoo offered good pay for this job, so the man decided to do it. He tried on the suit and sure enough, he looked just like a gorilla. They led him to the cage; he took a position at the back of the cage and pretended to sleep. But after a while, he got tired of sitting so he walked around a little bit, jumped up and down and tried a few gorilla noises. The people watching him seemed to really like that. When he would move or jump around, they would clap and cheer and throw him peanuts. And the man loved peanuts. So he jumped around some more and tried climbing a tree. That seemed to really get the crowd excited. They threw more peanuts. Playing to the crowd, he grabbed a vine and swung from one side of the cage to the other. The people loved it and threw more peanuts. "Wow! This is great," he thought. He swung higher and the crowd grew bigger. He continued to swing on the vine, getting higher and higher and then all Last, all of a sudden, the vine broke! He swung up and out of the cage, landing in the lion's cage that was next door. He panicked. There was a huge lion not twenty feet away, and it looked very hungry. So the man in the gorilla suit started jumping up and down, screaming and yelling, "Help, help! Get me out of here! I'm not really a gorilla! I'm a man in a gorilla suit! HELP!" The lion quickly pounced on the man, held him down and said,

"NNAMDI NO FEAR NA ME CHIJIOKE be quiet! You're going to make both of us lose our jobs" Be cheerful and letís face this job squarely!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heheheheheheh....... See our brothers working overtime for zoo!

chillykelly86 30th June 2009 11:37 PM

Simplicity of Men Vs Complexity of Women!
 
HER DIARY

------------ ------
Begins

I thought he was acting
weird. We had made plans to meet at a
cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends
all day long, soIely thought he was upset at the fact that I
was a bit late,but he made no comment.Conversatio n wasn't flowing so
I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but
he kept quiet and absent. I asked
him what was wrong - he said,
"Nothing."I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it
had
nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say,
"I love u,too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing
to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed distant and absent.Finally
I
decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided
that I could not take it anymore,so I decided to confront him with the
situation but he had fallen asleep.

I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to
do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is gonna be a disaster.

End

____________ _________ _________ _

HIS DIARY

==========
Begins

Today Arsenal lost the football match
against Barcelona.

DAMN IT!!!!!!

End
:D:D:D


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